Rejection is a universally human experience.  We all at some level know the pain of rejection.  Whether it’s missing out on that desperately wanted perfect job, or the pain of a relationship break-up, it hurts.  Sometimes it feels like it’s something we won’t recover from.  Sometimes there is grief and loss and sometimes it does take time.  However, there are some things we can do to facilitate the healing process.

Know what you are feeling.  Be emotionally aware.

We often seek to avoid feeling painful or difficult feelings.  However, we need to feel the feelings.  This is the very thing we most need to do to heal.  Repression, denial, avoidance, distraction are common ways of warding off the difficult emotions.  But they don’t work in the long run and are pretty unsatisfactory as far as promoting our growth and maturity.  The more we avoid feeling the pain of rejection, the more it will run us from our subconscious.  So, when you are feeling hurt, it helps to pause and actually see what it is that you are feeling.  It helps to allow yourself to feel your feelings.  It’s an old adage but a truism: feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are.  We feel what we feel.  It’s the avoidance of the feelings that keeps us stuck.  It’s also the stories we create around them.  So step number one is commit to becoming aware of what you feel.  Face right into it and let your feelings be your guide.

What are the core beliefs?

Look at the stories around your experience.  What does this remind you of?  What do you tell yourself about yourself?  Is it, “I’m not good enough? I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve to be happy/loved,” etc?

Process the issues/memories of your past. Don’t let the past baggage create the future.

When we feel pain, sadness, loss, missed opportunity, or alone, we tend to go into a whole big story about our experience.  Rarely is this helpful.  But it is useful to know and recognize what stories we have playing out.  These stories are of our own making.  We can change our stories.  We do not need to keep them going around like old bad movies inside our head getting reruns, long past their use-by date.  It is far better to be curious about the meaning we make of our experience and what we tell ourselves about ourselves.  When we look at the patterns we have around our stories and what we do with them, we can then be in a place of empowered choice.  We do not need to act on automatic but rather can choose moment by moment.  So the question to ask is:  Is it true?

Once we have acknowledged how we feel and allowed ourselves to feel that, together with recognizing the story or meaning we make of it, then we can move to look at how we may be overloading the experience in the present with the old stories of the past.  For each person it will be different.  We know this because we know that what we react to another person could be fine with.  When we react rather than respond we know we have been triggered.

Respond don’t react. Be intentional about your choices moment by moment.

Rejection is painful but it does not need to have the last word.  If we use the experience as a learning one, we can develop our sense of self and our resilience.  We learn that despite what is happening we can say, “that’s ok, it hurts and I’m ok”.

It’s not about you. Don’t take it personally.

Finally, it is helpful to remind ourselves that we all act based on our history and our past experiences.  As Don Miguel Ruiz says in The Four Agreements “ Nothing a person does is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their reality, their dream.”  Understanding this can prevent a lot of needless suffering.

This was originally published here.

Most people do not want their long-term relationship to end.

Generally, no one leaves a marriage or long-term partnership lightly. These are difficult decisions to make and can only be made after serious consideration and reflection.

Counselling will help to clarify the issues and concerns that might lead to such a decision. After all, wherever you go, there you are! In other words, when a relationship breaks down, the two people concerned take the same issues and problems with them, albeit in a different version, into new relationships. So, learning, before making this decision to end a relationship about your own contribution and the patterns you bring, are essential for healthy development.

However, if the decision has been made to divorce it helps to know that there are ways to divorce that will ensure a better outcome for all and especially for children.

So, if you are facing this traumatic time of ending a relationship and approaching divorce these are things you can consider.

When there is a team to support the entire family, it is possible to change the old communication styles and patterns that caused so many problems in the past. This is done with coaching along the way. It helps to remember and be advised of the needs of children and to understand developmentally what they may need at a given time. A Child specialist can be part of a team in collaborative divorce.

Even though under pressure there will be times when you may act in ways you would rather not, at least if you have taken the time to consider your values, then you have a road map to come back to. You can write them down. You may like to list your three highest values. It may be courage, honesty and patience; or it could be speaking your truth in a respectful way. Perhaps it is making a choice to be open rather than rigidly hold to your way of doing things. There are many qualities you may choose to support yourself through the process.

You may find that you are going through a divorce and that it is not your choice. The decision to end the relationship may not be a mutual one. So, it could feel like you have no power. But you always have the power to choose how you will act and behave even if the situation is not to your liking. Choosing to act in accordance with your own integrity is one such choice.

This post was originally published here.

Take small bites from the elephant and tackle it gently, slowly and with compassion

As with any fear it helps to break it down. Fear of abandonment seems to me to be pretty universal, you might say it’s part of the human condition. That said, some struggle with it more than others. Maybe it helps to take small bites from the elephant and to tackle it gently, slowly and with compassion.

It helps to ask good questions.

Some of these include: what am I afraid of and how realistic is this? It could help to do some reality testing here. Will I really end up on the streets or a depressed alcoholic or whatever the fear might be? Maybe the fear is co-created. That is, if you are in a relationship with a person who is not committed, then abandonment issues will naturally be triggered. You feel vulnerable and exposed while not certain that you can trust this person to be there.

Sometimes it comes back to basic survival issues. Maybe you worry you won’t be able to support yourself emotionally or financially. Then, it might be wise to take steps to move in a direction that feels supportive of your development and growth. This might mean reaching out to increase your connectedness to others in a supportive way. It might mean that you take steps to become more skilled or more employable. Alternatively, it could mean that you learn to manage money better or to curtail your spending. It might look like developing skills in fostering resilience. All of these steps would be moves towards creating and fostering independence. When you can trust yourself to “be there” for yourself, to back yourself, then the fear diminishes. As trust grows so fear recedes.

It could be that you have never learnt to rely on yourself. What would it look like to be able to trust yourself to be there for yourself? In other words, to honor your needs and define what’s truly important for you. If you invest your energy in fear of abandonment you are also not investing your energy in what you need.

Another approach is to look at your past and face what needs to be healed. Maybe you feared losing an important person growing up or maybe you experienced trauma and loss at a young age. These are real issues that need to be processed in order to move through fear of loss and abandonment.

Perhaps you have abandonment issues that stem from your very early development. In this case you might like to have compassion for the small child that was not able to feel secure and safe in the world, not able to feel that there was a solid and reliable care-giver who could meets the needs of a very vulnerable child.

Meeting this child now with the compassion of your adult self can help to soothe the child within.

Have compassion for yourself and for others. We are all fragile human beings with various unmet needs and fears. Take it gently, one step at a time. Take a deep sustaining breath and face into those fears with an attitude of curiosity and love. Do it again and again.

For more tips check out the rest of the article here.

“For many years, at great cost, I traveled through many countries, saw the high mountains, the oceans. The only things I did not see were the sparkling dewdrops in the grass just outside my door.” ~ Rabindranath Tagore

The single best thing you can do to instantly improve your relationship is to become an expert gratitude-giver! When you choose to regularly express gratitude, even when you don’t feel like it, you condition your brain to start noticing and taking in the good things in your life.

Over time, this changes your mood and sense of well-being and who doesn’t want to be with someone who feels great, who exudes happiness and well being? It’s contagious! The more automatic it becomes to express your gratitude and appreciation, the more positive you become and so on it goes. Happiness grows exponentially when you become a finder of the good.

Developing the habit of gratitude is also good for your health. Your immune system works optimally when you are not under stress. When you are generating a sense of appreciation and consciously noticing the good, the brain cannot be overwhelmed by stress and mindless chatter that hooks us into the negative stories. The experience then of developing a habit of experiencing ourselves differently in the world ultimately means we become more mindful and more conscious. People who are mindful also have a greater capacity for empathy. So, practicing developing a new habit like gratitude helps us transfer this skill into other areas. As the mind changes the brain changes. See Rick Hanson’s work on the brain to find out how the brain is “like Velcro for the negative and Teflon for the positive”.

So, imagine that rather than feeling irritated and critical about your partner for the dishes in the sink, the socks on the floor or whatever it may be, we choose instead to be grateful for the gift they are in our lives. We start to regularly pay attention and to notice the good they bring, the small and the not so small acts and gestures of love and kindness.