Communication

Another guest post for you to read: How to recover from a relationship break up!

Men and women find it difficult to let go of past relationships for complex reasons. It helps to have a little understanding of this. Sometimes we have unresolved grief from the past and trauma that has not been fully processed. It stays in our memory and activates when there are reminders or triggers. The end of a relationship means loss for most people and some times we need to do the grief work around previous losses as well as this one in order to move on.

Also, the loss is usually symbolic. For example it might be symbolic of loss of innocence or youth. It is really worth getting some assistance to do this work from a counselor so that it does not stop you from fully committing to a new relationship. Have some compassion for yourself also. Perhaps you have not fully acknowledged what the loss means.

Envy and anger are other emotions that can remain stuck and keep a person thinking about the past long after it is useful. These too need to be understood and acknowledged so that it is possible to begin again. If you find yourself holding on long after the relationship has ended, it is worth asking yourself what purpose does it serve to stay stuck in the past? Perhaps it prevents you from being hurt again in a new relationship. Perhaps there are underlying fears such as a fear of intimacy that get avoided by this focus on the past. Perhaps it is a fantasy or an idealizing of the past relationship that keeps you from moving on. Perhaps you imagine that it was better than it really was. Either way, it will help to acknowledge where you are now, the truth and reality of the whole situation and if it seems to big on your own then seek assistance from a therapist who can really help you to find your life direction in moving forwards.

For more tips on this topic check out the rest of this article here.

How to let him know when to step up!

By Margie Ulbrick Leave a Comment

Come from love. When we want change in our partners it does not help to come from a place of criticism, blame or attack. These are all completely counter-productive! However, it might feel like that is easier said than done if we feel unheard or ignored and have a lot of frustration or disappointment to manage. So it helps to be aware of ourselves and the story we have, and to work with that before we approach our partner and request that they make more effort.

It may help to see a counsellor to work through some of the feelings, which lead to a defensive stance in order to be open to coming from love. Then, make some time to talk to your partner and give him/her a heads up about what you want to talk about. This way they don’t feel ambushed. Set an intention for what you want to end feeling after the conversation. Perhaps it is just that you do not resort to becoming defensive but remain open and loving. If the conversation starts to deteriorate take a time out or call for a pause. Gather yourself and become mindful of being centered and aware.

Try to frame your request in a way that is not critical or negative. Don’t winge or whine! You might start by saying something positive or appreciative of your partner. You could start by saying how much you appreciate what they do in regard to something specific, working hard, caring for the kids, doing the bills, whatever it is. Then you might explain that you would like some assistance because you are feeling overwhelmed or exhausted (or whatever it is that you are feeling.) But be careful not to let the conversation generate into negativity. Even if your partner resists or becomes defensive, “But I always or you never..” remain firm in your intention to be compassionate and understanding.

Whatever it is that you are wanting: more connection, more romance, more sex, come from a place of love and compassion. Be understanding and willing to listen to your partner’s response and be prepared to really try and get them. But hold onto your own needs even if your partner does not validate them and persist in standing your ground from this place of love. Ultimately as Gandhi so famously said, we need to be the change we want to see in the world.

Guest Post: Rick Hanson, Mindfulness and Relationship Expert

By Margie Ulbrick Leave a Comment

Tone matters.

I remember times I felt frazzled or aggravated and then said something with an edge to it that just wasn’t necessary or useful. Sometimes it was the words themselves: such as absolutes like “never” or always,” or over-the-top phrases like “you’re such a flake” or “that was stupid.” More often it was the intonation in my voice, a harsh vibe or look, interrupting, or a certain intensity in my body. However I did it, the people on the receiving end usually looked like they’d just sucked a lemon. This is what I mean by tart tone.

People are more sensitive to tone than to the explicit content of spoken or written language. To paraphrase the poet Maya Angelou, people will forget what you said, but they’ll remember how you made them feel. And we are particularly reactive to negative tone, due to the negativity bias in the brain (written about in previous JOTs).

Consequently, tart tone hurts others. This is bad enough, but it also often triggers others to react in ways that harm you and others.

On the other hand, paying attention to tone puts you more in touch with yourself, because you have to be aware of what’s building inside – which also promotes mindfulness and builds up its neural substrates. Containing negative tone prompts you to open to and deal with any underlying stress, hurt, anger. It reduces the chance that the other person will avoid dealing with what you say by shifting attention to how you say it. Cleaning up your style of expression puts you in a stronger position to ask people to do the same, or to act better toward you in other ways.

As the Buddha said long ago, “Getting angry with others is like throwing hot coals with bare hands: both people get burned.” Much the same could be said about throwing tart tone.

How?

Shifting your tone doesn’t mean becoming sugary, saccharine, or phony. Nor does it mean walking on eggshells, becoming a doormat, or muzzling yourself. Actually, when people shift away from being snippy, curt, snarky, derisive, or contentious, they usually become stronger communicators. They’re now more grounded, more dignified when they bring up something. They haven’t squandered interpersonal capital on the short-term gratifications of harsh tone.

Sometimes people are tart with each other in playful ways, and that’s OK. But keep watching to see how it’s landing on the other person.

Be mindful of what’s called “priming”: feeling already mistreated or annoyed irritated – or already in a critical frame of mind. Little things can land on this priming like a match on a pile of firecrackers, setting them off. Maybe simply take a break (e.g., bathroom, meal, shower, run, gardening, TV) to clear away some or all of the priming. And or try to deal with hurt, anger, or stress in a straightforward way (if possible), rather than blowing off steam with your tone.

Then, if you do in fact get triggered, notice what comes up to say. If it’s critical, acerbic, cutting, etc., then slow down, say nothing, or say something truly useful. Watch those eye rolls or the sharp sigh that means “Duh-oh, that was kind of dumb” (my wife has called me on both of these). Give a little thought to your choice of words: could there be a way to say what you want to say without pouring gasoline on the fire? Look for words that are accurate, constructive, self-respecting, and get to the heart of the matter. Be especially careful with an email; once you push the “send” button, there is no getting it back, and the receiver can read your message over and over again, plus share it with others.

If you do slip, clean it up as soon as possible – which could be a minute after you say it. Sometimes it works to explain – not justify or defend – the underlying reasons for your tart tone (e.g., you’re fried and hungry and it’s been a tough day) to put it in context. Take responsibility for your tone and its impacts, and recommit to a clearer, cleaner, more direct way of expressing yourself.

At the end of an interaction, you may not get the result you want from the other person – but you can get the result of self-respect and feeling that you did the best you could.

Rick Hanson

Letting go or Loosening Your Grip

By Margie Ulbrick Leave a Comment

This is an issue very close to my own heart! Most of the work we do and most of what we grapple with can in some way be traced back to letting go or more specifically the refusal to let go. Philosophically we know what we should do. We generally know when we need to let go of a relationship, issue, or area of baggage. We know but we do not allow ourselves to know. We hold onto old beliefs that no longer serve us. We repeat patterns of behaviour that leave us enslaved and addicted but still we do not let go. In our hearts we know, but under the spell of the ego and fearful of change, our minds hold on tightly.

It follows therefore that the human being must have a very good reason for behaving in such seemingly contradictory ways. It is generally about feeling safe. So rather than condemn ourselves for not moving past old aspects of ourselves, perhaps we could have a little compassion! If we accept that we cannot let go and even embrace our difficulty, ironically life opens up new possibilities. So power then lies in the acceptance of the difficulty of letting go!

The next time you berate yourself for not letting go consider this: some aspect of what you cling to represents something that a part of you feels is essential for your survival. By not letting go you are protecting yourself from feelings that seem threatening. However, in spite of wounds still bleeding and psyches still aching, we need to make a choice to be whole. To reclaim our power we need to be unified. So this means turning toward our hearts and refusing to make choices that keep us stuck in conflict and division.

Have a good look at your life and ask yourself where do you feel divided? This will give you a clue as to where you need to let go. Letting go can mean you give up trying. It can mean you stop being the one who takes too much responsibility for a relationship. It can feel scary to give up in this way because we tend to feel the harder we try and the more effort we put in the more success we will have. But this is not always so. Sometimes we just need to get out of our own way.

Letting go of excess responsibility frees us to see what is happening in a relationship and prepares the way for more mutually respectful encounters that have a reciprocal energy exchange. Letting go can be the most loving thing we can do and also the most empowering, both for ourselves and those we love. When we free up our energy by letting go of what is not our legitimate concern, we have a whole lot more space to be creative and invest our energy in surprising and life giving ways.

Maureen Moss says there are undoubtedly many parts of you being torn in different directions but there is only one of you listening! So be prepared to consider what the pay off is for not letting go and, look beyond the obvious. What have you projected onto the source of your clinging? What could you possibly lose by giving up or letting go? What feelings would you have to feel? It might help to keep in mind that whatever you stand to lose by letting go, the freedom that ensues will guarantee that the cost benefit analysis is well worth it! The alternative is slavery. For our fundamental leaning is toward growth not away from it. Letting go can be a supreme act of love and it is essential for the health of our souls.

Parents who fail to let go when the time is right condemn their children to struggle. It is essential for parents to give their adult children appropriate messages about leaving home, growing up and becoming independent. Parenting is one continual experience of letting go and this is particularly difficult if parents themselves have never really developed their own independence. By letting go you send a message of trust and of course the opposite also applies. A refusal to let go perpetrates fear and anxiety.

According to Dr Chris Hunt there are five essential messages an adolescent needs to hear:

“You can go”
“We believe in you”
“We will miss you”
“We will cope without you”
“Let’s stay in touch”.

Forgiveness is also often a necessary part of letting go. Our heart wants to let go of anger and resentment but our minds cling tightly to remembering the pain of past hurts. Anchor yourself firmly in the moment of now and let go of attachments to past experience that keep you bound prisoner. With each step we take towards forgiveness we take steps to make ourselves whole. Letting go of the need to be right is an essential part of this process. It serves no purpose to be right except to maintain the illusion of supremacy of the ego.

When we forgive ourselves and others we can truly become free to be the people we are created to be. We often fear that we will lose control if we let go. Pardoxically, what appears to be a loss of control actually serves to enhance our control. For ultimately it is in letting go that we claim and reclaim ourselves, individuated and whole, human and dignified.

Letting go involves making a commitment to ourselves and to our growth. It involves an inner commitment to integrity and authenticity in spite of the pull from the outside world to what we think we should have or need to experience. Commit to be happy now, even though things outside have not yet become exactly as you think they should be. Let go of ideas of perfection, of unrealistic expectations and of worrying about what others may think. Just choose in every moment to be the best you can be.

Letting go involves refusing to take things personally and accepting with gratitude whatever is happening right now. This means we let go of the desire to control. Letting go of the fixation on outcomes, letting go of all the conditions we impose, the rules and regulations and expectations we have of others and ourselves allows for all sorts of possibilities. In fact the miracles of life wondrously start to spontaneously appear, simply by letting go!

If you would like some support with your relationships or creating greater happiness in your life, please contact me on 0403 814 477 for a free 10-minute consultation to discuss your needs.

Another guest post for you to read: How to recover from a relationship break up!

How to let him know when to step up!

Guest Post: Rick Hanson, Mindfulness and Relationship Expert

Letting go or Loosening Your Grip

About Margie Ulbrick Relationship Counselling

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