At the very heart of it we are all alone. We come into this world alone and we die alone. There is no getting away from the fundamental experience of being alone at crucial times of our lives. The existential writers tell this story of humanity so well. However, some people thrive on this while others feel terror at the thought. Much depends on how we were responded to as babies. The capacity we learnt for self-soothing and the capacity to manage and contain our emotional states are all influenced by how we were responded to in the first two years of life. And then there are other factors in the mix like trauma, upbringing and personality. There used to be such a sense of shame in ‘feeling dependent’ and many people still do anything to avoid this feeling because of the vulnerability which it brings up. If only we could tolerate it and know how normal it is! Of course we’re dependent! We are wired for connection. We need to be attached to others in an emotional way to feel secure. But good relationships require a capacity to be independent and inter-dependent. Otherwise we may end up co-dependent!

Because the fear of being alone can be so primal I recommend psychotherapy if this is your situation. There is nothing better than learning in a safe and therapeutic space how to be secure in yourself and to take care of your own needs in a way that inspires confidence and trust in yourself. In this way psychotherapy makes up for the deficiencies of our early attachment experiences.

Now you know how normal this fear can be and how you can transform it with appropriate professional help.

However, on top of that here are 7 tips to assist you to develop the capacity to be OK with being alone:

1. Practice mindfulness: breathing and meditation improves your capacity to be with your own experience, just as it is.

2. Practice gratitude by keeping a journal: write 5 things each day which make you grateful, this increases your sense of well-being and enhances your resilience.

3. Do things each day which nurture you and contribute to your happiness: take a walk, take a bath, watch a sunset, play with a pet.

4. Increase your skill base: learn a new hobby or join a group, a gym or a club. This increases your sense of connection with others in your community and can reduce the sense of aloneness.

5. Spend time on giving to your community: you will take the focus of yourself so much and meet others at the same time. Do volunteer work with others who have less than you do.

6. Work out what your purpose in life is and put energy and time into developing that, as well as giving back to others this enhances your sense of self.

7. Connect with something bigger than you, be it spiritual or religious, having a sense that you are part of something bigger enhances well being and connection.

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I could write a whole book on this subject alone! Resilience is such a big area. It is also complex. What makes some people get over things easily while others find it much harder to pick themselves up, dust themselves down and get back on the horse? Our early experiences and attitudes affect us profoundly. If we suffer massive grief or loss for example as a young child then subsequent losses may bring up the earlier trauma. Unless we are able to work through those earlier difficulties. And the attitudes of our parents or early care-givers also effects how we respond to loss. So you can see how complex it can be.

However, complexity aside, there are things we can do as adults to learn to develop more resilience. The good news is that self-care is something we can all work on and it has a corresponding link with our resilience. Eating well, getting enough sleep and having a regular sleep pattern, time of going to bed and getting up, have all been demonstrated to improve our capacity to deal with life’s challenges. So too, does exercise and having a good support network. Having a range of family, friends or confidants to go to when things are tough helps us feel more connected and is likely to be a factor in resilience. Add to this list a sense of contributing to something and giving back to the community and being involved in meaningful work which contributes to a sense of purpose in life. Also having a connection to something outside of ourselves such as religious belief, faith or spirituality clearly assists many people get through difficult times.

Lastly, my most favorite is cultivating a capacity to live in the present moment. By practicing mindfulness and meditation we develop our capacity to be with what is, to embrace as Jon Kabat Zin would say, the full catastrophe of living. This allows us to develop a capacity for acceptance of what is and this enable us to feel our feelings, to fully allow ourselves to connect with our experience but not to be so identified with it that it overwhelms us, at least some of the time. Mindfulness is a practice which as well as developing our awareness enhances our resilience in every facet of our lives.

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The mind is a most powerful resource but yet it can also be the source of torment and pain. After all, it is the meaning we make of things that causes us distress. And overthinking is a common enough cause of stress and anxiety. Commonly when we are overthinking, the mind just adds fuel to our problems and does not allow us to access other internal resources such as intuition and creative problem solving. So, how to stop this feedback loop of perpetual thoughts that can tie us in knots?

Mindfulness is a well-accepted antidote to the stress and anxiety of too much thinking. It is being used in hospital settings and educational institutions world-wide. Even business has cottoned on to the power of mindfulness. Ironically, the term, although using the word ‘mind’ refers to whole heartedness and embodying breath with our entire being. It offers us the capacity to bring awareness and attention to our experience without being caught up in judgments of our experience.

Cultivating this quality of beingness helps us develop the capacity for presence which includes all of our experience not just our thoughts. We are multi sensorial and when we develop our capacity to tune into our bodies we can be more grounded, more centered and often feel more energy and a greater sense of aliveness. Joy springs up from inside spontaneously. It’s not like our thoughts disappear but rather they lessen their grip and we learn that we are more than the sum total of our thoughts.

Mindfulness is best cultivated with regular practice. There are apps and courses available to assist. The practice of meditation is nearly always the best way to become more mindful. But mindfulness is not only on the cushion. We can use it in our daily life, moment to moment. Just stop right now and notice what is going on around you and take a moment to sense inwards. Pause and notice your breath as it rises and falls. It may be shallow or deep. You may notice your thoughts too, the goal is not to stop thinking, but to sense into the space around your thoughts. We are more than just the sum of our thoughts. Reality offers us a sense of groundedness which we can become attuned to over time. The practice of mindfulness is a powerful way to slow down the mind and is a reminder to come back to the breath again and again. Pause, notice, breathe….

(My book Mindful Relationships is coming out soon, watch this space!)

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