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Loss and Learning

By Margie Ulbrick Leave a Comment

Confronted with loss of human life, livelihood, personal property and the possibility of loss of identity, human beings have the capacity for remarkable courage, spirit and grace. Often I think of freedom fighters such as Nelson Mandela who said that despite all he endured, the one thing his jailers could not take from his was his human dignity and spirit.

When nature threatens to overcome us, when life turns unexpectedly sour, when we lose relationships or when we feel threatened and unsafe; when all that we have known and loved and possibly taken for granted, is stripped wholly from us, we have an opportunity. After the initial shock, sometimes we see that we can respond in a whole manner of ways.

For those that are blessed enough to see in the midst of death, darkness and despair, a potential for life, light and hope, they can find their lives changed indelibly forever. No longer content with superficial living, they commit to seeking what is truly valuable to confront in a personal and potentially life-changing way, the eternal questions of the true meaning of life: Who am I? What does my life mean? What am I here for? For those that cannot see any way to endure let alone grow, there is the possibility of trust.

When all ahead only looks grim and grey and when all hope seems to be lost, human beings have a capacity for trust: trust in the divine, in the life-giving force, in spirit. It is the ability to open up to spirit which seems like a complete grace that offers millions of tiny everyday miracles and turns even the most difficult experiences into opportunities for growth and regeneration. Wherever there is life, there is death; and nature has seen this vast land of ours confronted with floods, fires and droughts, and still the human spirit survives and sometimes, thrives.

© Margie Ulbrick,  Counsellor

If you would like some support with your relationships or creating greater happiness in your life, please contact me on 0403 814 477 for a free 10-minute consultation to discuss your needs.

Happy Just Because

By Margie Ulbrick Leave a Comment

In this article I will outline some tips on how to build your happiness muscle. Did you know that if you win tattslotto tomorrow it is very likely that in a year from now you will be no happier than you are today? Sounds unbelievable doesn’t it. But it’s true. This is because we all have what psychologists call an inbuilt happiness set point. Our external situation actually doesn’t define our happiness. Have you ever had the experience of working really hard to achieve some goal or another, only to find that when you got what you wanted, the goal posts shifted? We live in a culture that dictates external markers of success: going higher and higher on the corporate ladder, building bigger and better houses or improving the ones we have, making more and more money, having better and better holidays. The list is endless and can easily be substituted for the success of our children, our body images and appearances. No sooner do we reach one pillar of “success” than we find ourselves striving and searching for the next allusive hit or kick. Yet 40% of people on the world’s wealthiest list are more unhappy than the average person.

It is our mind, our attitudes, belief systems and values that creates a framework for happiness. It follows then that happiness is a learnable skill for we can change our attitudes and we now know, thanks to recent discoveries of neuroscience, that we can reprogram our brains.

So what are the qualities that happy people have that set them apart from others? Happy people take responsibility for their happiness. They do not play the complain, blame and shame game. They do not participate in the “poor me” victim story and they have let go of the “why me?” paradigm.

According to Marci Shimoff who has created a model for happiness which she entitles “Happy for No Reason,” research has shown that happy people generally have some definable qualities:

• Happy people are light, they radiate a quality of being easy going, of not taking themselves too seriously.
• They are able to live now: that is they live in the present moment. They do not spend their lives consumed by anxiety about the past or the future. You might say they adopt the motto of “yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, today is a
gift”.
• Happy people are passionate. They generate an enthusiasm wherever they go, they give off an energy that says they are excited about life.
• Optimistic about giving and receiving support, happy people expect the best. They focus on solutions not on problems and here you might say they adopt the motto of “be part of the solution not the problem.” They look for the lessons and opportunities in any given situation, and believing that all experience can be a learning experience, they are able to be at peace with what is.

Happiness then it seems can be a decision. Happy people cultivate an acceptance which reduces their resistance to life and increases their flowing with life. We can increase our capacity for happiness thereby creating a foundation for building a happy life. The Dalai Lama believes that a kind of stable inner happiness is obtained by approaching life with an inner attitude of moving towards life rather than away from it, which he says can have a very profound effect on making us more receptive and open to the joy of living. Perhaps the last word can go to Stephanie Dowrick renowned writer and psychotherapist who says in her book Choosing Happiness Life and Soul Essentials “In taking responsibility for your own happiness you are waking up your will to be happy. It doesn’t mean that you will be innately cheerful from this day forward. It does mean though that happiness (trust, inner confidence and wellbeing) can become your basic stance. In the countless moments of choice you will choose to pay attention to what is positive rather than negative, to what is possible; to what is connecting; to what is uplifting; to what is fair and just – even “good”.

© Margie Ulbrick

If you would like some support with your relationships or creating greater happiness in your life, please contact me on 0403 814 477 for a free 10-minute consultation to discuss your needs.

Empower-Mindful Relationships-cvr-v3 with blurb

A practical guide for using mindfulness to enrich relationships and effectively manage stresses associated with conflict. The authors explore how we can use mindfulness to develop a more compassionate, friendly relationship with ourselves and others; communicate more effectively; reduce defensive patterns; and work effectively within couples, families and workplaces. Case studies highlight key principles, while practical exercises enable the reader to develop their mindfulness skills.

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About Margie Ulbrick Relationship Counselling

Margie Ulbrick relationship counselling provides psychotherapy services for relationships, stress management and happiness. Margie Ulbrick Counselling offices are based in East Malvern, Melbourne and service the surrounding areas of Chadstone, Glen Iris, Armadale, Ashburton, Malvern, Carnegie, Kew, South Yarra, Toorak, and East St Kilda. Read more about Margie Ulbrick Relationship Counselling.

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