Margie Ulbrick Counselling

Relationship Counselling

Schedule an Appointment

Zoom and Phone sessions are available!

How to let him know when to step up!

By Leave a Comment

 

Come from love. When we want change in our partners it does not help to come from a place of criticism, blame or attack. These are all completely counter-productive! However, it might feel like that is easier said than done if we feel unheard or ignored and have a lot of frustration or disappointment to manage. So it helps to be aware of ourselves and the story we have, and to work with that before we approach our partner and request that they make more effort.

It may help to see a counsellor to work through some of the feelings, which lead to a defensive stance in order to be open to coming from love. Then, make some time to talk to your partner and give him/her a heads up about what you want to talk about. This way they don’t feel ambushed. Set an intention for what you want to end feeling after the conversation. Perhaps it is just that you do not resort to becoming defensive but remain open and loving. If the conversation starts to deteriorate take a time out or call for a pause. Gather yourself and become mindful of being centered and aware.

Try to frame your request in a way that is not critical or negative. Don’t winge or whine! You might start by saying something positive or appreciative of your partner. You could start by saying how much you appreciate what they do in regard to something specific, working hard, caring for the kids, doing the bills, whatever it is. Then you might explain that you would like some assistance because you are feeling overwhelmed or exhausted (or whatever it is that you are feeling.) But be careful not to let the conversation generate into negativity. Even if your partner resists or becomes defensive, “But I always or you never..” remain firm in your intention to be compassionate and understanding.

Whatever it is that you are wanting: more connection, more romance, more sex, come from a place of love and compassion. Be understanding and willing to listen to your partner’s response and be prepared to really try and get them. But hold onto your own needs even if your partner does not validate them and persist in standing your ground from this place of love. Ultimately as Gandhi so famously said, we need to be the change we want to see in the world.

Read more here.

Guest Post: Rick Hanson, Mindfulness and Relationship Expert

By Leave a Comment

Tone matters.

 

I remember times I felt frazzled or aggravated and then said something with an edge to it that just wasn’t necessary or useful. Sometimes it was the words themselves: such as absolutes like “never” or always,” or over-the-top phrases like “you’re such a flake” or “that was stupid.” More often it was the intonation in my voice, a harsh vibe or look, interrupting, or a certain intensity in my body. However I did it, the people on the receiving end usually looked like they’d just sucked a lemon. This is what I mean by tart tone.

 

People are more sensitive to tone than to the explicit content of spoken or written language. To paraphrase the poet Maya Angelou, people will forget what you said, but they’ll remember how you made them feel. And we are particularly reactive to negative tone, due to the negativity bias in the brain (written about in previous JOTs).

 

Consequently, tart tone hurts others. This is bad enough, but it also often triggers others to react in ways that harm you and others.

 

On the other hand, paying attention to tone puts you more in touch with yourself, because you have to be aware of what’s building inside – which also promotes mindfulness and builds up its neural substrates. Containing negative tone prompts you to open to and deal with any underlying stress, hurt, anger. It reduces the chance that the other person will avoid dealing with what you say by shifting attention to how you say it. Cleaning up your style of expression puts you in a stronger position to ask people to do the same, or to act better toward you in other ways.

 

As the Buddha said long ago, “Getting angry with others is like throwing hot coals with bare hands: both people get burned.” Much the same could be said about throwing tart tone.

How?

 

Shifting your tone doesn’t mean becoming sugary, saccharine, or phony. Nor does it mean walking on eggshells, becoming a doormat, or muzzling yourself. Actually, when people shift away from being snippy, curt, snarky, derisive, or contentious, they usually become stronger communicators. They’re now more grounded, more dignified when they bring up something. They haven’t squandered interpersonal capital on the short-term gratifications of harsh tone.

 

Sometimes people are tart with each other in playful ways, and that’s OK. But keep watching to see how it’s landing on the other person.

 

Be mindful of what’s called “priming”: feeling already mistreated or annoyed irritated – or already in a critical frame of mind. Little things can land on this priming like a match on a pile of firecrackers, setting them off. Maybe simply take a break (e.g., bathroom, meal, shower, run, gardening, TV) to clear away some or all of the priming. And or try to deal with hurt, anger, or stress in a straightforward way (if possible), rather than blowing off steam with your tone.

 

Then, if you do in fact get triggered, notice what comes up to say. If it’s critical, acerbic, cutting, etc., then slow down, say nothing, or say something truly useful. Watch those eye rolls or the sharp sigh that means “Duh-oh, that was kind of dumb” (my wife has called me on both of these). Give a little thought to your choice of words: could there be a way to say what you want to say without pouring gasoline on the fire? Look for words that are accurate, constructive, self-respecting, and get to the heart of the matter. Be especially careful with an email; once you push the “send” button, there is no getting it back, and the receiver can read your message over and over again, plus share it with others.

 

If you do slip, clean it up as soon as possible – which could be a minute after you say it. Sometimes it works to explain – not justify or defend – the underlying reasons for your tart tone (e.g., you’re fried and hungry and it’s been a tough day) to put it in context. Take responsibility for your tone and its impacts, and recommit to a clearer, cleaner, more direct way of expressing yourself.

 

At the end of an interaction, you may not get the result you want from the other person – but you can get the result of self-respect and feeling that you did the best you could.

Rick Hanson

Mindfulness in Relationships: The Value of Pausing

By Leave a Comment

People come to me with all sorts of stories about the challenges they face in life and in their relationships. Today I want to talk to you about the power we have to change by working on ourselves. In particular mindfulness is the new buzz word for growth and for stress relief. You will be hearing more from me about this as I believe it’s key to a good relationship. Mindfulness is being used world-wide to treat cancer and  burn out, to help with grief and depression, and to help alleviate anxiety. There is no limit to the areas of health in which mindfulness is being used worldwide. Mindfulness is a tool which can be learned. It is also a way of life. So what exactly is this new craze about and how can it help your relationships?

In a nutshell, to be mindful means to be aware. It means to be conscious of the present moment and to live from that place of conscious awareness. If you are familiar with my writing you will know that I speak regularly on the importance of responding rather than reacting. We all can be prone to moments of over-reaction, to lashing out in anger and words said which we regret. However, that does not mean that we cannot commit to woking on ourselves to minimise and hope to eradicate these times when we act or speak thoughtlessly and cause harm and hurt in our relationships.

Being mindful takes time and practice. Meditation helps in this. We develop the capacity to pause and not to be driven by the animal part of our brain that, based on our individual history causes us to repeat time and again the same old patterned ways of reacting when we feel threatened. Deep breathing is a part of it. As we meditate and pause, slowing down and watching our breath, we can begin to develop the capacity to notice our thoughts without needing to engage in the same old stories. It’s like watching a train pass through the stations but we watch and don’t hop on that particular train!

Why is this so valuable in relationships I hear you ask? Well, imagine if you pause regularly. Imagine if instead of your old conditioned responses you pause long enough to see if you can speak (or remain silent as is sometimes preferable) , from an open-hearted and compassionate place. A place that is honest and true but one that also makes room for another person’s perspective. Being mindful gives you the power to pause, to reflect and to respond rather than react. It gives you choice and that is empowering!

 

 

Could your relationship do with a quick attitude tune-up?

By Leave a Comment

Is the glass half-full or half-empty? It depends on which way you look at it!

Here are some tips to develop a mind-set, a set of attitudes, that will boost your relationship and provide a map for your relationship journey, no matter where you currently are placed.

You could use this as a quiz and ask yourself, how am I going with these relationship attitudes? It has been said that no one can resist a loving heart, no matter what has gone on in the relationship. Sometimes, it just takes one person to lead the way, and that can make a very big difference. If you find you could do with some assistance here in developing healthy relationship attitudes, be sure to speak to a professional relationship counselor while you are learning new skills.

1. Appreciation: Express appreciation often, do not take each other for granted.

In my experience, couples who feel excited, hopeful and positive about their relationship have a distinct mindset. They look out for things to appreciate about each other and in turn for ways in which they can support each other. They feel grateful for the opportunity to be together and they are able to express their feelings to each other without criticism, blame or anger.

2. Listening: Is an under-valued skill.

Practice listening from your heart and listen for the meaning underneath. Speak less and listen more.

Be open and receptive to each other and listen to each other, you will instantly find your relationship more fulfilling and satisfying. Happy couples are willing to take on board what their partner says and to demonstrate that they value their partners’ perspective and opinion. They make efforts to understand each other, to walk in the others’ shoes.

3. Repair: Be a leader, be willing to fix hurts, disappointments and misunderstandings.

Go the extra mile!

Strong couples are quick to forgive when things go wrong and they do not let the minor trivialities of everyday annoyances become bigger than they are. They let go of the small stuff. They do not keep score and it doesn’t matter who initiated a conflict or who’s fault it was, both are willing to move towards each other as quickly as possible after there has been a breach, both are willing to initiate that first step towards healing and build a bridge. They are willing to start over: again and again!

4. Responsibility: Relationships are a dance, change your steps and you change the dance.

You can take responsibility for yourself but you cannot force change upon your partner.

Be willing to change and take responsibility for your own part in your relationship. Couples who feel satisfied seem to have a deep level of personal responsibility and ask themselves often: ‘What is required of me here? What is my contribution to the dynamic between us?’ Listen to your own thoughts and ask: ‘Why am I thinking that way? What is really going on here?’ Be willing to look below the surface. Defensiveness and a compulsion to ‘fix’ each other can be really detrimental, so let go of thinking ‘if only he or she was a certain way, then I would be happy’.

5. Space: Is a biological need.

Do not suffocate or smother your partner but give them room to be themselves and to grow.

Great relationships demonstrate a high degree of independence, with partners not relying on each other to make them happy. Each person takes responsibility for their own growth and happiness and allows their partner to do the same. Cultivate your own interests, passions and friendships so that your partnership can be characterized by fluidity and flexibility rather than rigidity. It is healthy to understand that good relationships are made of two people who are both independent and inter-dependent.

6. Play: We all need play in our lives, let yourselves have a sense of humour.

You have to have fun together!

Laughter is the best medicine, even for a little anxiety in a relationship. Cultivate a light attitude so that you don’t see problems as being insurmountable. Being light-hearted about things and not seeing problems in the relationship as being personality failures is enormously liberating.

Don’t tune out or turn off, it’s a big turn-off for great relationships. Have a willingness to “Be there”.

Make efforts to stay in contact with what is going on in each other’s world. Ask about each other’s day, greet each other with affection and attend consciously to hellos and goodbyes with a sense of presence so that your partner knows that they are your priority.

8. Courage: Be prepared to grow, to learn, to do what it takes.

You have to be willing to risk yourself and to show up in your relationship with all your human flaws and foibles. While this can be scary, a willingness to be exposed in an intimate way will see couples respectful with each other’s vulnerability and courageous with their own.

This post was originally published here.

About Margie Ulbrick Relationship Counselling

Margie Ulbrick relationship counselling provides psychotherapy services for relationships, stress management and happiness. Margie Ulbrick Counselling offices are based in East Malvern, Melbourne and service the surrounding areas of Chadstone, Glen Iris, Armadale, Ashburton, Malvern, Carnegie, Kew, South Yarra, Toorak, and East St Kilda. Read more about Margie Ulbrick Relationship Counselling.

Visit my profile on YourTango Experts

Contact Margie

M: 0403 814 477
E: [email protected]