Feeling into the pain of loss, rejection and grief can stop this stuckness

Life is dynamic. Change is part of life and the ebb and flow of relationships is no different from this. But it can be devastating to lose a relationship. It is a common enough feature of human nature to want to hold on, to cling to the past and imagine what might have been. (Entire books have been written on the phenomena of people going back in life to find an ex!) Some times this can cause us to remain stuck and prevent us from fully committing in a new relationship or it can simply be the pattern that develops as a way of thinking; a continued wishing for what we cannot have, a grass is always greener mentality. Intuitively we know this is not good for us but we still seem to be stuck in relentless regret and what ifs.

There are complex psychological reasons for staying stuck in an addictive pining for what is not real. After all, it is a fantasy to imagine what might be or what might have been because it is clearly not what is! Staying stuck there prevents us from being present to what is actually going on right now. It is a way of defending from feeling (perhaps fear of being hurt if you commit to a new relationship, perhaps feeling the full gamut of your abandonment wound or the pain of losing other things/people in life, or the pain of mourning a period in your life, say the loss of youth or child-bearing years). The list is endless. But the truth remains! When you choose to stay stuck in the past you also refuse to allow yourself to be real in the present. But I don’t feel like I have a choice, I hear you say.

We always have choice but sometimes we don’t feel like it. The relationship itself has been lost but it may also serve as a replacement loss, that is, it becomes the focus and other associated losses are not recognized and grieved. Therapy can be invaluable here in helping us see and understand ourselves more clearly and with more compassion.

It may help to ask how does it serve me to keep me thinking about this old relationship? What does it stop me from feeling/facing now in the present about my current relationship/life?

Feeling into the pain of loss, rejection and grief can stop this stuckness. As always, feeling the feelings is a way of moving through them. But if you are stuck here in the past, be sure to contact a therapist to get support to understand yourself and to find the way to greater freedom, peace and happiness in your life.

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Time to do some soul-searching

Over time it seems to be a common enough occurrence that couples speak to me about feeling like they are being taken for granted. It’s not a nice feeling and can lead to some pretty destructive behaviors, in some cases, affairs or other passive-aggressive ways of acting out.

So, what to do? I think it’s a good time to take stock and as always do a bit of soul-searching and reflecting. Ask yourself a few questions like: am I acting as I wish to be treated? Do I regularly express my love and care for my partner and show them I appreciate them? I can hear you say, “No you’ve got it all wrong, it’s him, who is not appreciating me.” Yes, I know. Nevertheless, a good place to start when we expect our partners to change is a quick check in on our own behavior. Look for hypocrisy and start with yourself as a powerful place for change!

Next, try talking to your partner about how you feel. Explain in a non-critical way using “I” statements; speak from your heart so that he/she can really get a sense of what you are talking about. Ask directly for what you want and don’t send mixed messages. Explain that you are reflecting on how you would like to feel and that you think these things would help. Don’t let the conversation become a you said/I said argument but if it goes down that track gently bring it back and remain firm: simply, this is what I need from you.

Thirdly and very importantly, check in to see how you are treating yourself. Are you abusing yourself in ways that are subtle or undermining? Do you really prioritize your health, your well being, and your life? If you care well for yourself it is more likely that others will do the same. There’s an old adage that we get the treatment we deserve or allow. That sounds harsh but there is an element of truth in it. Check that your boundaries are solid, that you are not acting with passive resentment and that you are not leaving your partner to guess how you feel about the chores, the work distribution or the caring of the children.

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1. Start where you are

It is a life-long process of knowing yourself and uncovering/discovering parts and aspects of yourself so that you can be ‘who you really are’. This is indeed the journey of life! However, it helps to start where we are. We can do this by knowing our values, knowing what our triggers and wounds are, and knowing what is our purpose in life. It also helps to ask the question, how do we aspire to be?

2. Know your values

You may start by thinking about what are your top five highest values. We all have many values that are important to us but what are your top five? When you know what these are and have them integrated with who you are, then you have a landing place and a compass by which to navigate when decisions are to be made. When we act from our values we feel aligned with our integrity and when we are in alignment we know we are being true to ourselves.

3. Know your mission and purpose in life

We all need to have a big why in our lives. What makes us excited, what is our passion, what really motivates us. These are big questions which require some deep reflection and also they may change and evolve over time.

4. Breathe into what feels true

Finally, from moment to moment we have the capacity to choose. When we practice pausing and breathing deeply, sensing inwards and putting the question inside: what feels most authentic right now in this moment, we find a freedom to act from a place that resonates more deeply with our inner selves, a place from which authenticity can flow.

For more tips read the rest of the article here.