To be authentic in relationship requires commitment and courage

For many people this is a life long quest. It is the ever changing journey of self-discovery and is done in the context of another person, an intimate love.

Intimacy is about being seen, being vulnerable. It is about sharing one’s self with another in all kinds of contexts and circumstances and sometimes this is under pressure. There might be pressure to reach agreement or to please another.

It might be in the context of decisions needing to be made quickly, the day-to-day ordinary stuff! We are all assessing many things all the time and we weigh balances and trade-offs, the need to compromise v’s the need to assert ourselves or push hard against resistance, real or potential or imagined.

We may give in for years before we realize what we have been doing. We may leave one relationship and endeavor not to make the same compromises of ourselves in the next one. Whatever trade-offs we make there comes a point where we say: how do I feel about this? Am I being true to myself?

To be authentic in relationship requires commitment and courage. It requires a capacity for and commitment to self-reflection. With that mind-set then we forge forward. It’s a bit like being a warrior for truth in your own life! By committing to endeavor to know one’s self first then one is in a better position to know how and when to share important truths, the most important truth about who one is. To be authentic in relationship brings relief. It is a huge burden to be inauthentic in relationship.

Knowing one’s boundaries is pivotal here: to discern when to speak when to have self-restraint and when to be silent. For remaining silent sometimes can be a powerful time to reflect and gather wisdom which may usher forth moves in authenticity. Being authentic isn’t always about speaking up although it can be.

Wisdom and authenticity are soul mates. Patience too is an important quality to cultivate in developing the capacity for authenticity so that one can pause long enough to take in the whole situation, looking beyond the surface of things with compassion. Finally, it helps to ask the question: what do I feel here and to inquire into this over and over as the truth continues to emerge and unfold.

To read more check out the rest of the article here.

Practice mindfulness and meditation

We all have an inner critic. For most people this voice is relentless. Otherwise known as the superego, it is the internalized voice which lets us know where we don’t measure up!

However, this voice comes from the process of socialization which we experience in order to become ‘civilized’ and it is designed to make sure we don’t attract attention or are protected from real and often imagined risks. It is necessary for adults and other caregivers to teach us but long after this teaching has become useful we can be driven even in adult life by this critical part.

The key is to recognize when this is operating and to know how to defend against it.

By knowing it is normal and by recognizing when it is operating we can develop compassion for ourselves and start to get some space from the inner critic.

Mindfulness and meditation are very helpful here.

Even 5 minutes a day has been shown to have demonstrable results as we start to witness our thoughts and learn to pause as we ‘unhook’ from unhelpful stories.

When we detach from the stories we tell ourselves such as “I’m not good enough, I’m not enough, not successful enough, clever enough, pretty enough, funny enough….the list is endless, we can start the process of being with ourselves with compassion just where we are.

Taking a deep breath and being in the present moment, is often enough to recognize that in this moment which is all we have, we are ok.

This post was originally published here.