I could write a whole book on this subject alone! Resilience is such a big area. It is also complex. What makes some people get over things easily while others find it much harder to pick themselves up, dust themselves down and get back on the horse? Our early experiences and attitudes affect us profoundly. If we suffer massive grief or loss for example as a young child then subsequent losses may bring up the earlier trauma. Unless we are able to work through those earlier difficulties. And the attitudes of our parents or early care-givers also effects how we respond to loss. So you can see how complex it can be.

However, complexity aside, there are things we can do as adults to learn to develop more resilience. The good news is that self-care is something we can all work on and it has a corresponding link with our resilience. Eating well, getting enough sleep and having a regular sleep pattern, time of going to bed and getting up, have all been demonstrated to improve our capacity to deal with life’s challenges. So too, does exercise and having a good support network. Having a range of family, friends or confidants to go to when things are tough helps us feel more connected and is likely to be a factor in resilience. Add to this list a sense of contributing to something and giving back to the community and being involved in meaningful work which contributes to a sense of purpose in life. Also having a connection to something outside of ourselves such as religious belief, faith or spirituality clearly assists many people get through difficult times.

Lastly, my most favorite is cultivating a capacity to live in the present moment. By practicing mindfulness and meditation we develop our capacity to be with what is, to embrace as Jon Kabat Zin would say, the full catastrophe of living. This allows us to develop a capacity for acceptance of what is and this enable us to feel our feelings, to fully allow ourselves to connect with our experience but not to be so identified with it that it overwhelms us, at least some of the time. Mindfulness is a practice which as well as developing our awareness enhances our resilience in every facet of our lives.

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The mind is a most powerful resource but yet it can also be the source of torment and pain. After all, it is the meaning we make of things that causes us distress. And overthinking is a common enough cause of stress and anxiety. Commonly when we are overthinking, the mind just adds fuel to our problems and does not allow us to access other internal resources such as intuition and creative problem solving. So, how to stop this feedback loop of perpetual thoughts that can tie us in knots?

Mindfulness is a well-accepted antidote to the stress and anxiety of too much thinking. It is being used in hospital settings and educational institutions world-wide. Even business has cottoned on to the power of mindfulness. Ironically, the term, although using the word ‘mind’ refers to whole heartedness and embodying breath with our entire being. It offers us the capacity to bring awareness and attention to our experience without being caught up in judgments of our experience.

Cultivating this quality of beingness helps us develop the capacity for presence which includes all of our experience not just our thoughts. We are multi sensorial and when we develop our capacity to tune into our bodies we can be more grounded, more centered and often feel more energy and a greater sense of aliveness. Joy springs up from inside spontaneously. It’s not like our thoughts disappear but rather they lessen their grip and we learn that we are more than the sum total of our thoughts.

Mindfulness is best cultivated with regular practice. There are apps and courses available to assist. The practice of meditation is nearly always the best way to become more mindful. But mindfulness is not only on the cushion. We can use it in our daily life, moment to moment. Just stop right now and notice what is going on around you and take a moment to sense inwards. Pause and notice your breath as it rises and falls. It may be shallow or deep. You may notice your thoughts too, the goal is not to stop thinking, but to sense into the space around your thoughts. We are more than just the sum of our thoughts. Reality offers us a sense of groundedness which we can become attuned to over time. The practice of mindfulness is a powerful way to slow down the mind and is a reminder to come back to the breath again and again. Pause, notice, breathe….

(My book Mindful Relationships is coming out soon, watch this space!)

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How to rekindle the fire when all feels dull or boring is a relationship skill of great value. Even better, before it becomes so. Long-term partnerships and even not so long become subject to everyday tedium and the glow wares off and normality sets in. That is unless we consciously choose otherwise. What first attracted you to your partner may now be the subject of annoyance. So you may like to experiment with a few ideas to bring some juice back.

1. Have a date night: Set time aside to really enjoy each other again. Away from the phone, email, kids and office. Go somewhere new, do something different, experiment with having fun, take it in turns to choose. Make time for intimacy and play.

2. Be real with each other: passion comes from being close and not avoiding the issues. When we get used to pretending and not speaking up, when we don’t acknowledge how we truly feel and express openly and honesty our desires and needs, then our relationships become stale and can feel fake. The distance between us can feel like a great chasm.

3. Make time for eye contact: really meet each other. Be prepared to look deeply and see the person behind the behaviors you have become used to. Look into their essence and their soul and be present to who they are in this moment in time, different from this morning and different from last week or last month.

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