When we talk about communication we often think about what we say and hopefully how we say it.

However, it’s important to realize how much we communicate in non-verbal ways! In particular, I am referring to the attitudes we bring to the relationship.

One of the big pitfalls for relationships is a tendency to pathologize our partners. We can be very good at seeing our partners’ faults and weaknesses to the extent that we even label them with all sorts of disorders. And some times these might even be accurate!

However, even if they are accurate, we may well ask, how helpful is that? How loving and supportive is it, to be always seeing things through the perspective of what is wrong with or not good enough about our partner?

So, perhaps it’s time for an inventory of self.

What are the attitudes that you bring to your intimate relationship that are simply there in the field, communicated by virtue of the many million things that are unsaid?

This post was originally published here.

The importance of repairing your relationship when there’s been a misunderstanding or a major letdown cannot be underestimated.

It is a human and biological need to feel heard and understood. We all need to feel respected. Yet, as fragile as we humans are, it is so easy for us to be hurt.

A friend recently complained that in 30 years of marriage her husband had only ever apologized about three times! Another friend who has been married for even longer once confided in me that her husband had never ever apologized. It can easily be the reverse. Men and women sometimes find it difficult to admit a mistake or to take responsibility. Saying sorry and really meaning it, goes along way to enhance the friendship and connectedness of relationships. We can do this by words and by behavior. For some, the old adage applies: ‘actions speak louder than words!’

And yet for others it is not a big deal and it can roll off the tongue too easily! One person I spoke with joked that it would be easier if she just apologized in advance for all the things she didn’t yet know about that she had done wrong! However, when sorry is offered as a replacement for commitment to changing behaviors, then resentment and despair set in.

Yet, it is enormously therapeutic when the opposite occurs. It takes humility and courage to really acknowledge when you have caused hurt and pain and to take steps to amend the situation. But true growth in the relationship and in personal maturity can occur when this happens!

Being truly prepared to walk a mile in another’s shoes, to listen fully, and to try and understand the effects of your behavior without justifying or defending it, this is where deep healing becomes possible.

A sincere apology is like a balm to the woundedness of our human psyche. And the words “I am sorry, please forgive me”, will most likely, when combined with an honest acknowledgement of responsibility, heal the person who offers it, even if the apology is not received. The Hawaiian Hoopoonopono prayer goes like this: I’m sorry, please forgive me, I thank you and I love you. A sincere apology is like a gift that opens the heart and has a ripple effect throughout the relationship.

This post was originally published here.

Men and women find it difficult to let go of past relationships for complex reasons. It helps to have a little understanding of this. Sometimes we have unresolved grief from the past and trauma that has not been fully processed. It stays in our memory and activates when there are reminders or triggers. The end of a relationship means loss for most people and some times we need to do the grief work around previous losses as well as this one in order to move on.

Also, the loss is usually symbolic. For example it might be symbolic of loss of innocence or youth. It is really worth getting some assistance to do this work from a counselor so that it does not stop you from fully committing to a new relationship. Have some compassion for yourself also. Perhaps you have not fully acknowledged what the loss means.

Envy and anger are other emotions that can remain stuck and keep a person thinking about the past long after it is useful. These too need to be understood and acknowledged so that it is possible to begin again. If you find yourself holding on long after the relationship has ended, it is worth asking yourself what purpose does it serve to stay stuck in the past? Perhaps it prevents you from being hurt again in a new relationship. Perhaps there are underlying fears such as a fear of intimacy that get avoided by this focus on the past. Perhaps it is a fantasy or an idealizing of the past relationship that keeps you from moving on. Perhaps you imagine that it was better than it really was. Either way, it will help to acknowledge where you are now, the truth and reality of the whole situation and if it seems to big on your own then seek assistance from a therapist who can really help you to find your life direction in moving forwards.

Read the article for more tips here.

Rejection is a universally human experience.  We all at some level know the pain of rejection.  Whether it’s missing out on that desperately wanted perfect job, or the pain of a relationship break-up, it hurts.  Sometimes it feels like it’s something we won’t recover from.  Sometimes there is grief and loss and sometimes it does take time.  However, there are some things we can do to facilitate the healing process.

Know what you are feeling.  Be emotionally aware.

We often seek to avoid feeling painful or difficult feelings.  However, we need to feel the feelings.  This is the very thing we most need to do to heal.  Repression, denial, avoidance, distraction are common ways of warding off the difficult emotions.  But they don’t work in the long run and are pretty unsatisfactory as far as promoting our growth and maturity.  The more we avoid feeling the pain of rejection, the more it will run us from our subconscious.  So, when you are feeling hurt, it helps to pause and actually see what it is that you are feeling.  It helps to allow yourself to feel your feelings.  It’s an old adage but a truism: feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are.  We feel what we feel.  It’s the avoidance of the feelings that keeps us stuck.  It’s also the stories we create around them.  So step number one is commit to becoming aware of what you feel.  Face right into it and let your feelings be your guide.

What are the core beliefs?

Look at the stories around your experience.  What does this remind you of?  What do you tell yourself about yourself?  Is it, “I’m not good enough? I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve to be happy/loved,” etc?

Process the issues/memories of your past. Don’t let the past baggage create the future.

When we feel pain, sadness, loss, missed opportunity, or alone, we tend to go into a whole big story about our experience.  Rarely is this helpful.  But it is useful to know and recognize what stories we have playing out.  These stories are of our own making.  We can change our stories.  We do not need to keep them going around like old bad movies inside our head getting reruns, long past their use-by date.  It is far better to be curious about the meaning we make of our experience and what we tell ourselves about ourselves.  When we look at the patterns we have around our stories and what we do with them, we can then be in a place of empowered choice.  We do not need to act on automatic but rather can choose moment by moment.  So the question to ask is:  Is it true?

Once we have acknowledged how we feel and allowed ourselves to feel that, together with recognizing the story or meaning we make of it, then we can move to look at how we may be overloading the experience in the present with the old stories of the past.  For each person it will be different.  We know this because we know that what we react to another person could be fine with.  When we react rather than respond we know we have been triggered.

Respond don’t react. Be intentional about your choices moment by moment.

Rejection is painful but it does not need to have the last word.  If we use the experience as a learning one, we can develop our sense of self and our resilience.  We learn that despite what is happening we can say, “that’s ok, it hurts and I’m ok”.

It’s not about you. Don’t take it personally.

Finally, it is helpful to remind ourselves that we all act based on our history and our past experiences.  As Don Miguel Ruiz says in The Four Agreements “ Nothing a person does is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their reality, their dream.”  Understanding this can prevent a lot of needless suffering.

This was originally published here.