How to rekindle the fire when all feels dull or boring is a relationship skill of great value. Even better, before it becomes so. Long-term partnerships and even not so long become subject to everyday tedium and the glow wares off and normality sets in. That is unless we consciously choose otherwise. What first attracted you to your partner may now be the subject of annoyance. So you may like to experiment with a few ideas to bring some juice back.

1. Have a date night: Set time aside to really enjoy each other again. Away from the phone, email, kids and office. Go somewhere new, do something different, experiment with having fun, take it in turns to choose. Make time for intimacy and play.

2. Be real with each other: passion comes from being close and not avoiding the issues. When we get used to pretending and not speaking up, when we don’t acknowledge how we truly feel and express openly and honesty our desires and needs, then our relationships become stale and can feel fake. The distance between us can feel like a great chasm.

3. Make time for eye contact: really meet each other. Be prepared to look deeply and see the person behind the behaviors you have become used to. Look into their essence and their soul and be present to who they are in this moment in time, different from this morning and different from last week or last month.

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To be authentic in relationship requires commitment and courage

For many people this is a life long quest. It is the ever changing journey of self-discovery and is done in the context of another person, an intimate love.

Intimacy is about being seen, being vulnerable. It is about sharing one’s self with another in all kinds of contexts and circumstances and sometimes this is under pressure. There might be pressure to reach agreement or to please another.

It might be in the context of decisions needing to be made quickly, the day-to-day ordinary stuff! We are all assessing many things all the time and we weigh balances and trade-offs, the need to compromise v’s the need to assert ourselves or push hard against resistance, real or potential or imagined.

We may give in for years before we realize what we have been doing. We may leave one relationship and endeavor not to make the same compromises of ourselves in the next one. Whatever trade-offs we make there comes a point where we say: how do I feel about this? Am I being true to myself?

To be authentic in relationship requires commitment and courage. It requires a capacity for and commitment to self-reflection. With that mind-set then we forge forward. It’s a bit like being a warrior for truth in your own life! By committing to endeavor to know one’s self first then one is in a better position to know how and when to share important truths, the most important truth about who one is. To be authentic in relationship brings relief. It is a huge burden to be inauthentic in relationship.

Knowing one’s boundaries is pivotal here: to discern when to speak when to have self-restraint and when to be silent. For remaining silent sometimes can be a powerful time to reflect and gather wisdom which may usher forth moves in authenticity. Being authentic isn’t always about speaking up although it can be.

Wisdom and authenticity are soul mates. Patience too is an important quality to cultivate in developing the capacity for authenticity so that one can pause long enough to take in the whole situation, looking beyond the surface of things with compassion. Finally, it helps to ask the question: what do I feel here and to inquire into this over and over as the truth continues to emerge and unfold.

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