Men and women find it difficult to let go of past relationships for complex reasons. It helps to have a little understanding of this. Sometimes we have unresolved grief from the past and trauma that has not been fully processed. It stays in our memory and activates when there are reminders or triggers. The end of a relationship means loss for most people and some times we need to do the grief work around previous losses as well as this one in order to move on.

Also, the loss is usually symbolic. For example it might be symbolic of loss of innocence or youth. It is really worth getting some assistance to do this work from a counselor so that it does not stop you from fully committing to a new relationship. Have some compassion for yourself also. Perhaps you have not fully acknowledged what the loss means.

Envy and anger are other emotions that can remain stuck and keep a person thinking about the past long after it is useful. These too need to be understood and acknowledged so that it is possible to begin again. If you find yourself holding on long after the relationship has ended, it is worth asking yourself what purpose does it serve to stay stuck in the past? Perhaps it prevents you from being hurt again in a new relationship. Perhaps there are underlying fears such as a fear of intimacy that get avoided by this focus on the past. Perhaps it is a fantasy or an idealizing of the past relationship that keeps you from moving on. Perhaps you imagine that it was better than it really was. Either way, it will help to acknowledge where you are now, the truth and reality of the whole situation and if it seems to big on your own then seek assistance from a therapist who can really help you to find your life direction in moving forwards.

Read the article for more tips here.

Rejection is a universally human experience.  We all at some level know the pain of rejection.  Whether it’s missing out on that desperately wanted perfect job, or the pain of a relationship break-up, it hurts.  Sometimes it feels like it’s something we won’t recover from.  Sometimes there is grief and loss and sometimes it does take time.  However, there are some things we can do to facilitate the healing process.

Know what you are feeling.  Be emotionally aware.

We often seek to avoid feeling painful or difficult feelings.  However, we need to feel the feelings.  This is the very thing we most need to do to heal.  Repression, denial, avoidance, distraction are common ways of warding off the difficult emotions.  But they don’t work in the long run and are pretty unsatisfactory as far as promoting our growth and maturity.  The more we avoid feeling the pain of rejection, the more it will run us from our subconscious.  So, when you are feeling hurt, it helps to pause and actually see what it is that you are feeling.  It helps to allow yourself to feel your feelings.  It’s an old adage but a truism: feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are.  We feel what we feel.  It’s the avoidance of the feelings that keeps us stuck.  It’s also the stories we create around them.  So step number one is commit to becoming aware of what you feel.  Face right into it and let your feelings be your guide.

What are the core beliefs?

Look at the stories around your experience.  What does this remind you of?  What do you tell yourself about yourself?  Is it, “I’m not good enough? I’m not worthy, I don’t deserve to be happy/loved,” etc?

Process the issues/memories of your past. Don’t let the past baggage create the future.

When we feel pain, sadness, loss, missed opportunity, or alone, we tend to go into a whole big story about our experience.  Rarely is this helpful.  But it is useful to know and recognize what stories we have playing out.  These stories are of our own making.  We can change our stories.  We do not need to keep them going around like old bad movies inside our head getting reruns, long past their use-by date.  It is far better to be curious about the meaning we make of our experience and what we tell ourselves about ourselves.  When we look at the patterns we have around our stories and what we do with them, we can then be in a place of empowered choice.  We do not need to act on automatic but rather can choose moment by moment.  So the question to ask is:  Is it true?

Once we have acknowledged how we feel and allowed ourselves to feel that, together with recognizing the story or meaning we make of it, then we can move to look at how we may be overloading the experience in the present with the old stories of the past.  For each person it will be different.  We know this because we know that what we react to another person could be fine with.  When we react rather than respond we know we have been triggered.

Respond don’t react. Be intentional about your choices moment by moment.

Rejection is painful but it does not need to have the last word.  If we use the experience as a learning one, we can develop our sense of self and our resilience.  We learn that despite what is happening we can say, “that’s ok, it hurts and I’m ok”.

It’s not about you. Don’t take it personally.

Finally, it is helpful to remind ourselves that we all act based on our history and our past experiences.  As Don Miguel Ruiz says in The Four Agreements “ Nothing a person does is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their reality, their dream.”  Understanding this can prevent a lot of needless suffering.

This was originally published here.

Most people do not want their long-term relationship to end.

Generally, no one leaves a marriage or long-term partnership lightly. These are difficult decisions to make and can only be made after serious consideration and reflection.

Counselling will help to clarify the issues and concerns that might lead to such a decision. After all, wherever you go, there you are! In other words, when a relationship breaks down, the two people concerned take the same issues and problems with them, albeit in a different version, into new relationships. So, learning, before making this decision to end a relationship about your own contribution and the patterns you bring, are essential for healthy development.

However, if the decision has been made to divorce it helps to know that there are ways to divorce that will ensure a better outcome for all and especially for children.

So, if you are facing this traumatic time of ending a relationship and approaching divorce these are things you can consider.

When there is a team to support the entire family, it is possible to change the old communication styles and patterns that caused so many problems in the past. This is done with coaching along the way. It helps to remember and be advised of the needs of children and to understand developmentally what they may need at a given time. A Child specialist can be part of a team in collaborative divorce.

Even though under pressure there will be times when you may act in ways you would rather not, at least if you have taken the time to consider your values, then you have a road map to come back to. You can write them down. You may like to list your three highest values. It may be courage, honesty and patience; or it could be speaking your truth in a respectful way. Perhaps it is making a choice to be open rather than rigidly hold to your way of doing things. There are many qualities you may choose to support yourself through the process.

You may find that you are going through a divorce and that it is not your choice. The decision to end the relationship may not be a mutual one. So, it could feel like you have no power. But you always have the power to choose how you will act and behave even if the situation is not to your liking. Choosing to act in accordance with your own integrity is one such choice.

This post was originally published here.