Happiness – Page 3

How to stop attracting the wrong men

# Value yourself enough to take your life seriously

A number of women do notice that there is a pattern in the “types” of men they attract. This is not surprising from a psychological perspective. Freud called it the “repetition compulsion”. We have experiences in our early life which tend to be repeated throughout our lives unless we decide to do things differently. This takes concerted effort and awareness and usually we need some professional assistance to rewire the neural pathways in our brain and to learn to make changes.

This involves unpacking the stories we tell ourselves and the meaning we have made of our experiences. It involves being prepared to look at some of the (possibly unconscious) patterns of attachment and behavior that we have used as an adaptive mechanism which may have served us well in the past but which now serve only to act as a barrier to us getting the love we want.

So, my single most important advise to women in this category is to see a counselor or psychologist to develop awareness about their behavior in order to facilitate change. It may be the most rewarding thing you do for yourself. Value yourself enough to take your life seriously. Be proactive about getting help from an expert to move you past this pattern of attraction so that you can really attract the partner you deserve.

How do I know if I’m ready for a new relationship?

By Margie Ulbrick Leave a Comment

# A good relationship is one where both parties are capable of being independent and inter-dependent

Many people are aware that they have baggage from a previous relationship and do not want to carry that like a dirty old smell around with them forever! But nevertheless some people do seem to rush headlong into a new relationship often later recalling they were “on the rebound”. So it can be a fine line and sometimes the right person seems to come along at the wrong time.

It is such an individual thing and there are no hard and fast rules. But it may help to be aware of a few important pre-requisites for forming healthy relationships. That could serve as a bit of a small checklist as to readiness to enter another relationship. A good relationship is one where both parties are capable of being independent and inter-dependent. That is, they can stand on their own two feet and can also share their lives in a way that doesn’t overwhelm either of them but that is supportive and nurturing for both.

It’s also good to have been able to reflect honestly on why the previous relationship ended and to ask: “What did I learn about myself? Where are my strengths and weaknesses in relationship? Am I too self centered and too prone to acting unilaterally without consideration for my lover/partner or am I clingy, needy or too dependent, too easily swayed and not able to stand up for my own needs? We all are capable of many behaviours depending what our triggers are, so it can help to know our own vulnerabilities and to be aware what our growth edge is.

Lastly, am I really over my last relationship or have I just buried the pain, loss and grief? Do I feel ready to enter a relationship and do I have something to bring or am I just trying to fill a hole and cover up some emptiness? Relationships are all about growth so it’s good to bring some self-awareness into your next relationship! That way it can be a real adventure!

I Am Enough-You Are Enough

By Margie Ulbrick Leave a Comment

We are a product of our deeply held beliefs and it is our unconscious mind that holds the key to these beliefs. Most often we do not really stop to examine or question these beliefs but they form the basis of our self-esteem and identity. So often I work with people and the deeply held belief of “I’m not good enough” comes to the fore. It may be that we were the brunt of a lot of judgement and criticism as children, or it could be that the standards and expectations of achieving were very high and we simply absorbed this as a norm, which was difficult or even impossible to attain.

Perfectionism

Living in an environment of perfectionism easily creates a sense of not being good enough. Most often it was just a projection of our parents and it was the interpretations we made about their behaviour, which could by the way have had nothing to do with us!

Competition

Another form of the I’m not good enough belief comes via competition with siblings. Often at the root of this is this same core belief, I’m not good enough and implied in that is not as good as my brother or sister, can’t get as much love or approval as they can. This then gets played out long after it has any validity and we act out a self-fulfilling prophecy!

Who do we identify with?

Often we identify strongly as children with mother or father and the idea that we owe some allegiance to them takes hold and continues into adult life. We may be caught in a bind between the expectations of each of them, feeling on the one hand driven to succeed and on the other a desire to stay small and safe. We may even feel a sense of loyalty to someone in the family who we felt sorry for and then unconsciously we sabotage ourselves rather than be seen to outdo that loved one.

Block to Success

It is however a recurring block to being successful in whatever it is that we are doing, whether it is raising a family or climbing the corporate ladder if we hold this core belief of not being good enough in some way or other.

How about a bit of Self Love?

But we are all unique. And if our focus and orientation is on what we lack and what we cannot do then our lives reflect this. However, if we choose to acknowledge our humanity and accept ourselves, just as we are, then we are in a far better position from which to achieve whatever goals and dreams we have. After all, isn’t it a form of arrogance and pride to assume that you should be perfect or that you should be better than you are?

Adopt a Different Stance

So, imagine what it might be like to fully embrace all of you and to allow yourself to be just who you are, warts and all. I like to use the analogy of trying on a new coat for a day. Imagine that in your new coat, you feel just right, not too hot, not too cold. You have a willingness to accept yourself just as you are, to believe that you are in fact enough, regardless of what you do, what you achieve, how much money you earn, where you live, etc etc. You get the idea, it is about acceptance.

Acceptance of what is creates flow in life and allows you to move forward and to take the next step. Resistance keeps you stuck! Acceptance allows the flow of life to bring you opportunities, to see things differently and to try on a new coat, like adopting a different perspective for a while. You can really play with it, feel what it is like to really believe in your heart of hearts that you are enough, just as you are and see how you feel.

I would be happy to help you work with limiting beliefs and to facilitate your move into a greater self-acceptance. I am a Melbourne based Counsellor and Coach. Please contact me on 0403 814 477 to see how I can assist you.

Feeling Overwhelmed? 5 Tips to Reduce Stress and Overwhelm: In Professional and Family Life

By Margie Ulbrick Leave a Comment

Many people today are working long hours and feel pulled in all directions. Below are some action steps you can take to feel calm, centered and in control of your life!

1) Be Clear about what you want, it is common to be feeling pulled every this way and that with the demands of modern life, so knowing what you want is a very good starting point.

2) Create appropriate boundaries and limits around what you can commit to and what is able to be delegated. Be OK with saying “No”.

3) Good planning and organization helps to reduce stress, be realistic in terms of time constraints and spend some time at the beginning of each week planning the following 7 days events. Write it down, it gets it out of your head and onto the page where it can be chunked down into more manageable pieces. It doesn’t mean you have to rigidly stick to the plan but it does give you a map of reference.

4) Sharing the load goes along way to creating a feeling of support and well- being. It contributes to a sense of teamwork and collaboration which in turn creates a sense of connection. This brings synergy and harmony and helps us achieve more than we ever could on our own.

5) Be committed 100% to what is happening now, it sounds so obvious but is often what is missing, whether it’s listening to your partner or running an important meeting, being fully focused on the present keeps you from being saddled with worries and anxieties about yesterday or tomorrow.

If you would like a free 10 minute consultation with me about how I can assist you in managing stress in your life please contact me on 0403 814 477 to inquire about my East Malvern, Melbourne relationship counselling services.

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