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Can Gratefulness Save Your Marriage?

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Melbourne couples counselling: Save your marriageHave you ever stopped to think about the energy you bring to your relationship? No matter what faults you think your partner has, no matter how huge the problems in your relationship, there is something you can do today, to make you start feeling better. And it’s actually so simple, you can do it yourself, starting right now!

Creating an attitude of gratefulness is infectious. It has a ripple effect in your life wherever you are. The research is out, gratitude makes us happy. It is not that happy people feel grateful but rather that grateful people feel happy. And no matter where you are in the problems of life, no matter how difficult the challenges you face, you can start by taking small steps towards feeling grateful.

A good way to start is to remind yourself when you first wake that you would like to have a grateful attitude. You can begin by being thankful for the gift of life itself and as you place each foot on the ground as you go about your morning routine, you can say thank you, over and over with each step. You could begin by being thankful for just two things in every day or by keeping a gratitude journal. I suggest you write down five things each day you are grateful for, big or small.

Our brains are wired for survival and so they tend to naturally remember the threatening experiences more readily than the positive ones so as to protect us from future danger. Most of us need to consciously choose then to notice the good things but once we start making that a habit it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t mean that we avoid facing our situations by taking a Pollyanna approach. That never works. However, when we choose to hold onto what is good alongside a capacity to face our loss, we truly cultivate a holistic wellness approach to living. We move from not just noticing the good but to valuing the good and over time we store that experience in our memories.

How does this effect our relationships? It has a ripple effect! When we consciously choose to start seeing the good in our partners every aspect of our interaction changes. Our communication patterns change and we begin to be open to the most important things in developing great relationships. It may be that they feel like the most difficult people in the world to love or to live with. It doesn’t matter.

When we decide to see the good in them rather than waiting for their next irritating habit to impinge upon us, or rather than being critical, blaming or attacking, our partners change before our very eyes. We start to see them with fresh eyes. We start to see them and really see them, as people who have their own life histories and struggles, our hearts begin the journey of becoming compassionate. Love has many properties. Acknowledgement, recognition, forgiveness are but a few. Being grateful for the smallest things in our partners can bring about the biggest change. Don’t take my word for it. Try it, play with it and have the time of your life!

For more valuable relationship advice or to make an appointment  for singles or couples counselling in Melbourne,  speak with Margie on  0403 814 477.

8 Tips to Great Relationships

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1) Appreciation

In my experience, couples who feel excited, hopeful and positive about their relationship have a distinct mindset. They look out for things to appreciate about each other and in turn for ways in which they can support each other. They feel grateful for the opportunity to be together and they are able to express their feelings to each other without criticism, blame or anger.

2) Listening

Be open and receptive to each other and listen to each other, you will instantly find your relationship more fulfilling and satisfying. Happy couples are willing to take on board what their partner says and to demonstrate that they value their partners’ perspective and opinion. They make efforts to understand each other, to walk in the others’ shoes.

3) Repair

Strong couples are quick to forgive when things go wrong and they do not let the minor trivialities of everyday annoyances become bigger than they are. They let go of the small stuff. They do not keep score and it doesn’t matter who initiated a conflict or who’s fault it was, both are willing to move towards each other as quickly as possible after there has been a breach, both are willing to initiate that first step towards healing and build a bridge. They are willing to start over: again and again!

4) Responsibility

Be willing to change and take responsibility for your own part in your relationship. Couples who feel satisfied seem to have a deep level of personal responsibility and ask themselves often, ‘what is required of me here?’ Listen to your own thoughts and ask ‘why am I thinking that way? What is really going on here?’ Be willing to look below the surface. Defensiveness and a compulsion to ‘fix’ each other can be really detrimental, so let go of thinking ‘if only he or she was a certain way, then I would be happy’.

5) Space

Great relationships demonstrate a high degree of independence, with partners not relying on each other to be happy. Each person takes responsibility for their own growth and happiness and allows their partner to do the same. Cultivate your own interests, passions and friendships so that your partnership can be characterized by fluidity and flexibility rather than rigidity.

6) Play

You have to have fun together! Laughter is after all the best medicine, even for a little anxiety in a relationship. Cultivate a light attitude so that you don’t see problems as being insurmountable. Being light-hearted about things and not seeing problems in the relationship as being personality failures is enormously liberating.

7) Presence

Make efforts to stay in contact with what is going on in each other’s world. Ask about each other’s day, greet each other with affection and attend consciously to hellos and goodbyes with a sense of presence so that your partner knows that they are your priority.

8) Courage

You have to be willing to risk yourself, to show up to your relationship with all your human flaws and foibles in order to create high levels of intimacy. While this can be scary for some, a willingness to be exposed in an intimate way will see couples respectful with each other’s vulnerability and courageous with their own.”

For more valuable relationship advice or to make an appointment to speak with Margie, call  0403 814 477.

 

 

I Am Enough-You Are Enough

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Melbourne relationship counsellingWe are a product of our deeply held beliefs and it is our unconscious mind that holds the key to these beliefs. Most often we do not really stop to examine or question these beliefs but they form the basis of our self-esteem and identity. So often I work with people and the deeply held belief of “I’m not good enough” comes to the fore. It may be that we were the brunt of a lot of judgement and criticism as children, or it could be that the standards and expectations of achieving were very high and we simply absorbed this as a norm, which was difficult or even impossible to attain.

Perfectionism

Living in an environment of perfectionism easily creates a sense of not being good enough. Most often it was just a projection of our parents and it was the interpretations we made about their behaviour, which could by the way have had nothing to do with us!

Competition

Another form of the I’m not good enough belief comes via competition with siblings. Often at the root of this is this same core belief, I’m not good enough and implied in that is not as good as my brother or sister, can’t get as much love or approval as they can. This then gets played out long after it has any validity and we act out a self-fulfilling prophecy!

Who do we identify with?

Often we identify strongly as children with mother or father and the idea that we owe some allegiance to them takes hold and continues into adult life. We may be caught in a bind between the expectations of each of them, feeling on the one hand driven to succeed and on the other a desire to stay small and safe. We may even feel a sense of loyalty to someone in the family who we felt sorry for and then unconsciously we sabotage ourselves rather than be seen to outdo that loved one.

Block to Success

It is however a recurring block to being successful in whatever it is that we are doing, whether it is raising a family or climbing the corporate ladder if we hold this core belief of not being good enough in some way or other.

How about a bit of Self Love?

But we are all unique. And if our focus and orientation is on what we lack and what we cannot do then our lives reflect this. However, if we choose to acknowledge our humanity and accept ourselves, just as we are, then we are in a far better position from which to achieve whatever goals and dreams we have. After all, isn’t it a form of arrogance and pride to assume that you should be perfect or that you should be better than you are?

Adopt a Different Stance

So, imagine what it might be like to fully embrace all of you and to allow yourself to be just who you are, warts and all. I like to use the analogy of trying on a new coat for a day. Imagine that in your new coat, you feel just right, not too hot, not too cold. You have a willingness to accept yourself just as you are, to believe that you are in fact enough, regardless of what you do, what you achieve, how much money you earn, where you live, etc etc. You get the idea, it is about acceptance.

Acceptance of what is creates flow in life and allows you to move forward and to take the next step. Resistance keeps you stuck! Acceptance allows the flow of life to bring you opportunities, to see things differently and to try on a new coat, like adopting a different perspective for a while. You can really play with it, feel what it is like to really believe in your heart of hearts that you are enough, just as you are and see how you feel.

I would be happy to help you work with limiting beliefs and to facilitate your move into a greater self-acceptance. I am a Melbourne based Counsellor and Coach. Please contact me on 0403 814 477 to see how I can assist you.

 

Feeling Overwhelmed? 5 Tips to Reduce Stress and Overwhelm: In Professional and Family Life

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Many people today are working long hours and feel pulled in all directions. Below are some action steps you can take to feel calm, centered and in control of your life!

1) Be Clear about what you want, it is common to be feeling pulled every this way and that with the demands of modern life, so knowing what you want is a very good starting point.

2) Create appropriate boundaries and limits around what you can commit to and what is able to be delegated. Be OK with saying  “No”.

3) Good planning and organization helps to reduce stress, be realistic in terms of time constraints and spend some time at the beginning of each week planning the following 7 days events. Write it down, it gets it out of your head and onto the page where it can be chunked down into more manageable pieces. It doesn’t mean you have to rigidly stick to the plan but it does give you a map of reference.

4) Sharing the load goes along way to creating a feeling of support and well- being.  It contributes to a sense of teamwork and collaboration which in turn creates a sense of connection. This brings synergy and harmony and helps us achieve more than we ever could on our own.

5) Be committed 100% to what is happening now, it sounds so obvious but is often what is missing, whether it’s listening to your partner or running an important meeting, being fully focused on the present keeps you from being saddled with worries and anxieties about yesterday or tomorrow.

 

If you would like a free 10 minute consultation with me about how I can assist you in managing stress in your life please contact me on 0403 814 477  to inquire about my East Malvern, Melbourne relationship counselling services.

Related articles

10 Tips for Healthy and Happy Relationships

Using Inspiration to Diffuse Overwhelm

About Margie Ulbrick Relationship Counselling

Margie Ulbrick relationship counselling provides psychotherapy services for relationships, stress management and happiness. Margie Ulbrick Counselling offices are based in East Malvern, Melbourne and service the surrounding areas of Chadstone, Glen Iris, Armadale, Ashburton, Malvern, Carnegie, Kew, South Yarra, Toorak, and East St Kilda. Read more about Margie Ulbrick Relationship Counselling.

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M: 0403 814 477
E: [email protected]